Valentines Day Help!!!

Well with Valentines Day here I would like to help out the guys out there with a list of Do’s and Don’ts on how to prepare, and survive Valentines Day without it ending up a disaster and ending with you pulling your pud with your own tears that you shed after your girl leaves your stupid ass.

They… and I say they because after the email response to my last two posts about me “being a sexist pig and everything I say is what is wrong with the world today”,  I will now refer to the female race as THEY just to piss that person off who clearly doesn’t have a sense of humor and can’t take a joke if it was a giant dildo hitting her in the face. So now moving on fellas THEY love being pampered and always want to have the feeling of being loved and cared for. Its just simple science its in their DNA. So random days throughout the year when you send flowers to her house or work, or you decide to cook a fancy dinner and curl up and watch a movie for the night instead of broing out with your buddies for once. Those are things that THEY will melt over. However if you’re the idiot who barely shows attention to your girlfriend or significant other your in luck. It’s Valentines day…It’s pretty much the get out of jail free card for relationships.  You can be the biggest fuck up in a relationship yet THEY still give us this one day a year to maybe put that glimmer back in their eye and forget all the stupid shit you have done…So in a nut shell I’m basically saying don’t fuck it up morons

 With that said you can go into a CVS or Target or wherever right now and see a pack of guys huddled around the Valentines day cards trying to scavenge through the mess of cards that is left to find that perfect one. Those guys are fucked….For the other percentage of guys that is semi prepared here is a list of helpful hints to successfully survive your Valentines Day and hopefully not have to end your not sleeping alone or worse sleeping with a really pissed off girlfriend in the bed next to you. I don’t wish that upon anyone, it gets so awkward.

~DON’T be over creative, THEY like cute simple shit. The ones that do like creative shit don’t want to be on a scavenger hunt for 7 fucking hours.

~DO make chocolate covered strawberries, They’re fucking delicious and THEY love em and they are easy as hell to make. Its strawberries dipped in melted chocolate. If you cant figure that out then quit school and your job and become a DJ because you’re probably not getting laid tonight anyway.

~DON’T tell your girl your going to make dinner for her unless you know how to cook. Fucking up a Valentines Day dinner is the most painful thing to watch. She has to pretend like she likes it and you now have to pretend that’s how the recipe said it would come out. Then she picks up her phone and texts some kid Steve making fun of your food. If you can cook, then cook. If you cant don’t attempt you will look like a fool yet again.

~DO get her flowers. Girls love to compete with each other and Valentines day is like the Super Bowl for girls. Facebook is going to be blowing up all day with pictures of flowers and balloons that THEY got from us and if your bouquet is not the prettiest or biggest well lets just say your going be flopping on top of a dead fish tonight. Although if you somehow pull off the miracle of winning the flower bowl your in for a great night. Flowers bring out the freak its just science ladies so just nod your head and say your right Kris.

~DON’T set your bedroom up with candles and scents and shit. Some girls will think its cute but when a candle burns down and lights your room a blaze before the nasty even happens your going to be spending your romantic valentines day night kicking it in the living room with mom and dad watching re-runs of man vs food.

~DO make a reservation. Yet again another very painful thing to see is a couple waiting in line at the Olive Garden to try and get a seat. You make a reservation a couple days in advance you are golden. You are all set for food drinks and dessert in one location. However if you do not make that reservation be prepared to spend the night in the living room with mom and dad watching re-runs of man vs food. …romantic I know!

~Lastly…DON’T ask your date to be your girlfriend on Valentines Day and most certainly DON’T tell them you love them for the first time either on this day. It’s the most cliché thing ever and unless you have been seeing each other for a while and by while I mean years. Most likely as your saying that to her she is getting a text from some dude Steve who had his Valentines day with her the night before because he had to work tonight. You know when she told you she had to stay in because she really needed to study or get work done….yea girls have excellent game too guys, its not a big surprise.

That’s really all that comes off the top of my head that can help you fellas out on Valentines Day. Even though there is no reason for me to help you since 99% of your Valentines day ordeals will end in a sloppy mess. Shit half of you may even end the night single. To the single people out there stop crying in your hands for being lonely today. Go outside and look around Valentines Day is a great spectator sport and I’ll be sitting front row cheering on for disaster. 

Girls who love.....sports???

           So its done and over Football season has come and pass and I would like to say congratulations to the New York Giants and their fans for winning the Super Bowl. Good for you guys you lost to the Redskins twice, the Seahawks and to me in Madden and I was one of those shitty NFL Europe teams. But none the less congratulations, you kind of half heartedly deserved it. But now that we are past the football season we can only look ahead to what’s on the horizon. What is it you ask? Well my friends one thing for sure is we now have two months free of any girl pretending they are a sports fan. Girls can no longer post those annoying Facebook status’ or tweets about the Giants but with nine S’s at the end. Or about whatever team their boyfriend of a month and a half likes as a matter of fact. The sad part is as some of you girls are reading this you will probably be all mad and pissed off at me for calling you out like this. But look yourself in the mirror and really take a deep look into your eyes. We appreciate what your doing, its cool on game day to have another fan their to cheer on the teams we like but for gods sake don’t speak or talk and embarrass us. You don’t see me coming up to you in the middle of a girls night and talking about the Bachelor and getting the guys name wrong or talking about a girl who got kicked off the show weeks ago right. We each have our things that make us happy so please don’t try to infiltrate our areas like some god damn super spies because its not working.

           

               You have your sports your suppose to like, you got the WNBA (and if you don’t know what that is stop reading now and just go shopping like normal girls), figure skating and competitive dancing. We will even give you the female events during the Olympics too. We don’t need you in our ears when a player goes down with an injury saying how gross it is and to turn the channel before you throw up. I want to see that injury happen in the slowest of slow motion replays. I want to see the point of impact where the helmet hits the upper leg area of the player then you can see the femur evacuate from the back of the said players legs and stick out the back of his pants. You know why because I am a Man and its part of the game. I don’t need you digging your head into my chest as you dry heave up your Fat Free Tostitos and low carb Artichoke dip.

           

             Now I am not being a 100% hater probably just about 98%. Because I do understand there are some females out there that do follow sports very intensely. But if you take your race as a whole then well your beyond outnumbered. But we can all take a big deep sigh of relief as now our Sundays will not be filled with girls sitting by us and asking “what causes and off sides”, “Do football players make a lot of money?”, and lastly “I wish they made their pants tighter because their butts look great”. If you are a girl and today you got asked what was your favorite part about the Super Bowl on Sunday and you answer with …1) The Giants wining 2) Madonna or lastly 3) The cute dog commercials well its simple I hate you for well being you. However on a happier note if you were to answer with “I loved the Wing Right 31 Dive that Bradshaw scored” …then consider this my formal invitation to go on a date with me. Don’t take this as a “Kris only likes girls who are into sports” post either because I am not. I actually prefer girls who are not into sports makes life easier. But this is just me saying quit the fucking act, at least I would have more respect for you.

          

           As I said in the beginning of this fellas we have two months of sports freedom. I say two months because after that time is over baseball is back which then we will be littered with girls jabbering at the mouth about the Yankees and redsox  and Jeter and what washed up super model is banging Alex Rodriguez. Don’t be surprised if Kim Kardashian makes a splash into the baseball pool this year. That would be a nightmare for all of us. Not only would she bring herpes into the MLB but it would bring nonsense comments from girls who clearly don’t know what they are talking about. They just feel obligated to comment on it because they watch the shows all day every day with their meaningless life and think they are now best friends with the Kardashian family.

           

           So in short the next two months will be a nice and quiet enjoyable two months for me and every other guy that enjoys all sports. Girls take this time and regain touch with your self. Get back to your Kardashian shows, and watching The Voice, and the Lifetime channel. You’re at the point of being a lost soul and you need to find yourself. In closing I appreciate the willingness to try something new out during the super bowl and preceding month leading up to it but now for gods sake as nicely as I can put it … fuck off, and leave the sports jabber to the individuals who know what they are talking about….cheers!

And if your still furious with this post …click this link and view the only proof I need. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwvTPNMEEGI

Girls and their Heels

High Heels are an essential need for females. Ill be the first to admit a chick who can rock a pair of heels confidently, and go out in them and not look like the pain your feet are in is ruining your night, I salute you and you may keep reading on for the pleasure of knowing this post isn’t about you. However if you are part of the group of girls who knows that guys like heels and tries to wear them even though you should never even have been allowed to try them on at payless wear you got them then this post is for you personally and I hope it helps because I mean lets be honest…..

I know your sick of coming home on a Friday night and having to soak your feet in a bathtub filled with hot water and oils and soaps and creams or whatever you do. Because when you are out and walking around like Frankenstein sat on a fire hydrant believe me people notice. Let me add also just cause your wearing 7 inch heels with jewels on them that look like my little sister could have done a better job with her bedazzler doesn’t make you a better looking girl. And for god sake girls who came up with the idea of putting your shoes in a pile and dancing around them. I have been to bars and clubs that I have seen people fuck, puke and die on these bar/club floors. And your ogre ass is rocking your kankled nasty feet all over this floor and still think your looking good. But don’t worry ladies keep dancing and laughing that group of guys in the corner are just pointing and laughing at you like they should be. Either that or throwing up due to the fact that now the bottom of your feet just went from being somewhat tolerable … to damn they are screaming in those heels…to national geographic walking around the Amazon barefoot in an hour.

        

    Now that we have pointed out the problem let me help you out with a little list to see if should add yourself to the list of the should never wear heels gang.

1. If you have a penis- simple, I’m not a homophobe or anything I have gay friends and they will even tell these dudes to stop trying so hard.

2.If you’re ankle meat is sticking out the slits that are suppose to be sexy on the side of shoe. These are to make the model of the shoe have a sexy look to it. Not make the shoe look like it has a clit.

3. When you stick your feet into the heel and your shrek like toes curl up on the bottom like an accordion. Don’t try and lie to your friends who are also wearing heels and probably wear them well. Your toes are already numb in the tight ass shoes. Take them off through on some uggs like the other big girls do or simply buy some shoes that fit. Smaller shoes don’t make a difference, shoes that fit will.

4. There are a small number of girls who simply know how to walk in heels. Guys will be the first to tell you there is a certain sexy way to do so that we like. Basically just go on youtube and look up when Dennis Rodman’s wedding video when he dressed up as a woman. If you walk anyway like him take the shoes off! Your joints are suppose to bend ladies don’t robot yourself all the way to the club just because the severe pain in those heels wont let you walk normal.

Now I apologize for this rant ahead of time quite frankly I shouldn’t just because I am probably pointing out some serious issues to people who were simply blind to their problem. However if you do find yourself offended by this post then your welcome you are probably a serious offender. Maybe next time you wont put your big ass feet into little ass heels and go into public. But if you do then Ill say thank you for all the guys you will walk around tonight and give them a night full of laughter. I’ll even say thank you for your friends too because they are for sure talking and laughing behind your back because girls are evil and that’s what they do. A final hint if you are done getting ready and you turn to your girls and ask how you look if the answer is “girllll you loook gooooood” most likely you don’t and the other girls just want you to be the ugly girl in the group. 

Job Interviews

Being "officially" unemployed going to Job Interviews is a necessity in life in order to gain a new occupation and earn income. Which then leads to paying bills and enjoying finer things in life that cost money. However if you are a person that enjoys the process of the actual job interview....well then simply I don't trust you.

Lets start from the beginning....

In order to gain access to the stage of getting a job that is the interview you have to apply for a job. So you hit up websites online or your friends for some hook ups. God help you if you have to go to the Devils second greatest creation Craigslist to find a job. Its only second to your local DMV. But yes if you go to craigslist most likely your going to get phone calls back from a real attractive job ad that you saw for a desk job in a nice clean office which pays a great amount for just starting out...But really in craigslist language your giving all your information to a person that will most likely hunt you down, eventually find you, probably drop a pill into your drink and then drag your ass back to their two door 92 honda accord where they will violently shove you into the back seat, then male or female will rape your ass, steal your money and most likely a bodily organ or two and then leave you on a corner in Los Angeles for the homeless people to then have their way with you until you come to your senses and realize that this was the worst night you ever had...and you still won't have a job.

Then...after the handful of places you have applied too along with the date rape you may or may not encounter you get a call back! The call back itself is even a little awkward. On one end of the line is an assistant or secretary for the company in which you applied to. They dont know what you look like or what you sound like but they are ordered to call you to set up in the interview. As you answer the weird number you get a little excited to know someone is calling you for a job offer. Then the worst thing happens...Out of all the places you have applied to, you now cannot remember when or who this company even is and what the job is that you applied for. This leads to an awkward mexican standoff and the part of the ordeal I like to call "The Q Off". The Q off is the time during that phone call that each stranger on the end of the phone line answers each question with another question in order to try to get more information about the other without giving it away that either of you know absolutely nothing.

For Example: "When is a good time for you to come in for an interview?"
                       "Well, when's best for you?"
                       "Do you have a vehicle?"
                       "Well, where are you located" and etc...

Surprisingly this strategy leads to gathering a good junk of information about your interview your scheduling yourself for.even though its for pretty much a company you have no fucking clue even existed because one day you got inappropriately high off your ass and decided to apply to anything and everything you saw on a website that was filled with job openings of your interested career path. But who cares right you got the interview and it wasn't through craigslist so your feeling good.

The day of the interview comes and its getting down to the time for you to get ready. Now I don't consider this part of the process a problem for females. All they have to do is throw on a black bra a white button up shirt or a dress and hope you get some disgusting horny old guy as your interviewee and boom you got the job before any stupid, incompetent, pointless word comes out of your mouth. But however for males this is a make or break part of the interview and your not even in the office yet. The decision of what to wear to a job interview is most definitely a deal breaker. You show up looking to casual then your not serious enough. You show up wearing something to fancy then you look like a jackass for such a laid back job, or you just watch Step Brothers way to much. Either way its bullshit. I think the way you show up for a interview should be the clothes you are forced to wear everyday if you get the job. The assholes who wear shirt and ties to a job interview when your going to be a Production Asst.  for a company that has you cleaning dishes or running to costco to get 55, 24 packs of water for the rest of the lazy crew. Have fun sweating like a whore in church with that one pal. If your interviewing to be a doctor you know what go ahead rock that shirt and tie. You interviewing to be a janitor though? You better come in to that interview wearing some dirty ass clothes to show your committed and a hard worker because 350lb Bob in human resources department loves taco tuesdays and it's almost lunchtime.  

After you pick out your most superficial outfit that says nothing about your personality but makes you look like your going to a wake of someone you dont really care about, but your a friend of a friend so your paying your respects. You then head to the place in which the interview will be held. Whether its an office, restaurant, retail store you name it the next phase in the interview process will make you want to pull your hair out.

Your interview will be scheduled for 4:00 pm. Now you can ask anyone and the first thing they will say is to dress nicely, and then you should kick them in their privates. But then the next thing they will say after the pain subsides is to arrive to the interview early. This yes, is a great piece of advice because it shows that you are excited for the interview and the opportunity to work for the company and for them to give you money for the work you will eventually hate. However arriving early to people for a 4:00 interview is about 15 minutes. For real ass suckers its arriving 30 minutes early, but those people suck and most likely not reading this so I won't even begin to start on those people. Anyway make sure you have your phone or a magazine or something to keep your head on straight because you will not be getting interviewed for at least 20-29 minutes after your originally scheduled interview time. I say 20-29 because I mean c'mon these people don't want to look to un-professional to the person they are trying to hire right. I mean shit they call me in 30 minutes after my scheduled time you can expect me to take an hour and a half lunch break every day and then not flush the toilet after im done....and maybe spray a little pee on the seat of the unisex bathroom. That's really how you get em.

During this wait all you really know is a voice you heard on the phone. So every single time a person walks by you think they are coming to introduce them self to you. By the time the right person comes into the room you have already made creepy eye contact with at least 26 employees of this company who now immediately hate the creepy kid sitting in the lobby eye fucking everyone...but then it happens your called into the interview.

The interviewee comes and greats you with a big smile and the "its glad to meet you" shpeel. Then the silent judgement process begins. As you are walking to the room or office in which the actual conducted interview will take place They grill you head to toe,  you grill them head to toe. In your head thinking those pants are way to tight or they shouldn't be wearing their hair like that or hey she has huge tits. You know normal things like that. This also is a make or break situation like I said for the ladies this is where you get the job or not. You get lucky and get the horny old man or any man in that case this is your time to shine. Show some leg and fling your hair maybe as your walking apply some lip balm sexually. I don't know what it is you actually do but that 7-11 second walk was your interview. As long as you dont have the voice of teddy ruxpin and an IQ of 3 and your hot....congratulations your hired. However if your ugly and c'mon we all know ugly girls know when they are ugly you may have to wow the guy with some spunk and a nice resume. But if all else fails blow him...and then congratulations.

Then the actual interview goes on which lasts for about 10 minutes or less, unless you get a real talker which in the case of an interview is the worst thing to ever happen. An interviewee who talks and talks can go on for an hour about how great the job is and how special everyone who works there is and how great of a team everyone makes and all that shit. Thats why you schedule your interviews 4pm and later and on fridays. By that time that crazy cheerleader spunk that the interviewee usually has is far from gone because all they can think about is most likely the 8 ball they are gonna snort to their face or the alcohol they will consume until blacking out and going home with a stranger. Therefore interview time will only take roughly ten minutes. You sit there smile and tell them what they want to hear. You use some big words and try and let your resume do most of the talking. Most likely your applying for a shit job so your fake resume wont really matter anyway. If all else Fails try to whip up some charm and flirt. Even if your really bad at it, they will think your either funny or hot and will want to hire you. This works for girls and guys. (write that down)

Then its time to say goodbye. Which is also a big step in the interview process. No matter how long you were talking to this person or what they told you or even what sexual favor you did during your interview. Remember this person is a stranger and a simple handshake is the proper good bye tool. There are no fist bumps or shake and pull in for a hug. There are no kisses on the cheek because if your doing that most likely you have cum residue in your mouth still. Just a nice firm handshake and a pleasure to meet you...then turn around and walk out.

The interview process is now over and you have successfully survived, so congratulations to that. However now you have to wait a couple days in order to let the company decide out of the prospects that were interviewed who was the better fit for the company. Most likely just because its a dog eat dog world you wont get a call saying you got the job. But its ok its not you completely just something little you may have did in the interview process that caused the interviewee to look another way. Whether that be not ironing your pants with creases down the center, or not giving a firm handshake, or simply just using to much teeth while you swallowed the pants sword. Either way you now have experience in order to try and nail your next interview.

Job interviews are a way of life. In order to be successful in life 98% of us will have to go through this awkward, annoying, ass sucking process. But now after reading this I hope that you have gotten a heads up of what to expect in your next job interview or maybe I simply just made the process a little more enjoyable for you. So at your next job interview while your sitting in the waiting room eye fucking your soon to be co-workers and you laugh a little.... your welcome!