Valentines Day Help!!!

Well with Valentines Day here I would like to help out the guys out there with a list of Do’s and Don’ts on how to prepare, and survive Valentines Day without it ending up a disaster and ending with you pulling your pud with your own tears that you shed after your girl leaves your stupid ass.

They… and I say they because after the email response to my last two posts about me “being a sexist pig and everything I say is what is wrong with the world today”,  I will now refer to the female race as THEY just to piss that person off who clearly doesn’t have a sense of humor and can’t take a joke if it was a giant dildo hitting her in the face. So now moving on fellas THEY love being pampered and always want to have the feeling of being loved and cared for. Its just simple science its in their DNA. So random days throughout the year when you send flowers to her house or work, or you decide to cook a fancy dinner and curl up and watch a movie for the night instead of broing out with your buddies for once. Those are things that THEY will melt over. However if you’re the idiot who barely shows attention to your girlfriend or significant other your in luck. It’s Valentines day…It’s pretty much the get out of jail free card for relationships.  You can be the biggest fuck up in a relationship yet THEY still give us this one day a year to maybe put that glimmer back in their eye and forget all the stupid shit you have done…So in a nut shell I’m basically saying don’t fuck it up morons

 With that said you can go into a CVS or Target or wherever right now and see a pack of guys huddled around the Valentines day cards trying to scavenge through the mess of cards that is left to find that perfect one. Those guys are fucked….For the other percentage of guys that is semi prepared here is a list of helpful hints to successfully survive your Valentines Day and hopefully not have to end your not sleeping alone or worse sleeping with a really pissed off girlfriend in the bed next to you. I don’t wish that upon anyone, it gets so awkward.

~DON’T be over creative, THEY like cute simple shit. The ones that do like creative shit don’t want to be on a scavenger hunt for 7 fucking hours.

~DO make chocolate covered strawberries, They’re fucking delicious and THEY love em and they are easy as hell to make. Its strawberries dipped in melted chocolate. If you cant figure that out then quit school and your job and become a DJ because you’re probably not getting laid tonight anyway.

~DON’T tell your girl your going to make dinner for her unless you know how to cook. Fucking up a Valentines Day dinner is the most painful thing to watch. She has to pretend like she likes it and you now have to pretend that’s how the recipe said it would come out. Then she picks up her phone and texts some kid Steve making fun of your food. If you can cook, then cook. If you cant don’t attempt you will look like a fool yet again.

~DO get her flowers. Girls love to compete with each other and Valentines day is like the Super Bowl for girls. Facebook is going to be blowing up all day with pictures of flowers and balloons that THEY got from us and if your bouquet is not the prettiest or biggest well lets just say your going be flopping on top of a dead fish tonight. Although if you somehow pull off the miracle of winning the flower bowl your in for a great night. Flowers bring out the freak its just science ladies so just nod your head and say your right Kris.

~DON’T set your bedroom up with candles and scents and shit. Some girls will think its cute but when a candle burns down and lights your room a blaze before the nasty even happens your going to be spending your romantic valentines day night kicking it in the living room with mom and dad watching re-runs of man vs food.

~DO make a reservation. Yet again another very painful thing to see is a couple waiting in line at the Olive Garden to try and get a seat. You make a reservation a couple days in advance you are golden. You are all set for food drinks and dessert in one location. However if you do not make that reservation be prepared to spend the night in the living room with mom and dad watching re-runs of man vs food. …romantic I know!

~Lastly…DON’T ask your date to be your girlfriend on Valentines Day and most certainly DON’T tell them you love them for the first time either on this day. It’s the most cliché thing ever and unless you have been seeing each other for a while and by while I mean years. Most likely as your saying that to her she is getting a text from some dude Steve who had his Valentines day with her the night before because he had to work tonight. You know when she told you she had to stay in because she really needed to study or get work done….yea girls have excellent game too guys, its not a big surprise.

That’s really all that comes off the top of my head that can help you fellas out on Valentines Day. Even though there is no reason for me to help you since 99% of your Valentines day ordeals will end in a sloppy mess. Shit half of you may even end the night single. To the single people out there stop crying in your hands for being lonely today. Go outside and look around Valentines Day is a great spectator sport and I’ll be sitting front row cheering on for disaster. 

Girls who love.....sports???

           So its done and over Football season has come and pass and I would like to say congratulations to the New York Giants and their fans for winning the Super Bowl. Good for you guys you lost to the Redskins twice, the Seahawks and to me in Madden and I was one of those shitty NFL Europe teams. But none the less congratulations, you kind of half heartedly deserved it. But now that we are past the football season we can only look ahead to what’s on the horizon. What is it you ask? Well my friends one thing for sure is we now have two months free of any girl pretending they are a sports fan. Girls can no longer post those annoying Facebook status’ or tweets about the Giants but with nine S’s at the end. Or about whatever team their boyfriend of a month and a half likes as a matter of fact. The sad part is as some of you girls are reading this you will probably be all mad and pissed off at me for calling you out like this. But look yourself in the mirror and really take a deep look into your eyes. We appreciate what your doing, its cool on game day to have another fan their to cheer on the teams we like but for gods sake don’t speak or talk and embarrass us. You don’t see me coming up to you in the middle of a girls night and talking about the Bachelor and getting the guys name wrong or talking about a girl who got kicked off the show weeks ago right. We each have our things that make us happy so please don’t try to infiltrate our areas like some god damn super spies because its not working.

           

               You have your sports your suppose to like, you got the WNBA (and if you don’t know what that is stop reading now and just go shopping like normal girls), figure skating and competitive dancing. We will even give you the female events during the Olympics too. We don’t need you in our ears when a player goes down with an injury saying how gross it is and to turn the channel before you throw up. I want to see that injury happen in the slowest of slow motion replays. I want to see the point of impact where the helmet hits the upper leg area of the player then you can see the femur evacuate from the back of the said players legs and stick out the back of his pants. You know why because I am a Man and its part of the game. I don’t need you digging your head into my chest as you dry heave up your Fat Free Tostitos and low carb Artichoke dip.

           

             Now I am not being a 100% hater probably just about 98%. Because I do understand there are some females out there that do follow sports very intensely. But if you take your race as a whole then well your beyond outnumbered. But we can all take a big deep sigh of relief as now our Sundays will not be filled with girls sitting by us and asking “what causes and off sides”, “Do football players make a lot of money?”, and lastly “I wish they made their pants tighter because their butts look great”. If you are a girl and today you got asked what was your favorite part about the Super Bowl on Sunday and you answer with …1) The Giants wining 2) Madonna or lastly 3) The cute dog commercials well its simple I hate you for well being you. However on a happier note if you were to answer with “I loved the Wing Right 31 Dive that Bradshaw scored” …then consider this my formal invitation to go on a date with me. Don’t take this as a “Kris only likes girls who are into sports” post either because I am not. I actually prefer girls who are not into sports makes life easier. But this is just me saying quit the fucking act, at least I would have more respect for you.

          

           As I said in the beginning of this fellas we have two months of sports freedom. I say two months because after that time is over baseball is back which then we will be littered with girls jabbering at the mouth about the Yankees and redsox  and Jeter and what washed up super model is banging Alex Rodriguez. Don’t be surprised if Kim Kardashian makes a splash into the baseball pool this year. That would be a nightmare for all of us. Not only would she bring herpes into the MLB but it would bring nonsense comments from girls who clearly don’t know what they are talking about. They just feel obligated to comment on it because they watch the shows all day every day with their meaningless life and think they are now best friends with the Kardashian family.

           

           So in short the next two months will be a nice and quiet enjoyable two months for me and every other guy that enjoys all sports. Girls take this time and regain touch with your self. Get back to your Kardashian shows, and watching The Voice, and the Lifetime channel. You’re at the point of being a lost soul and you need to find yourself. In closing I appreciate the willingness to try something new out during the super bowl and preceding month leading up to it but now for gods sake as nicely as I can put it … fuck off, and leave the sports jabber to the individuals who know what they are talking about….cheers!

And if your still furious with this post …click this link and view the only proof I need. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwvTPNMEEGI