Well with Valentines Day here I would like to help out the guys out there with a list of Do’s and Don’ts on how to prepare, and survive Valentines Day without it ending up a disaster and ending with you pulling your pud with your own tears that you shed after your girl leaves your stupid ass.
They… and I say they because after the email response to my last two posts about me “being a sexist pig and everything I say is what is wrong with the world today”, I will now refer to the female race as THEY just to piss that person off who clearly doesn’t have a sense of humor and can’t take a joke if it was a giant dildo hitting her in the face. So now moving on fellas THEY love being pampered and always want to have the feeling of being loved and cared for. Its just simple science its in their DNA. So random days throughout the year when you send flowers to her house or work, or you decide to cook a fancy dinner and curl up and watch a movie for the night instead of broing out with your buddies for once. Those are things that THEY will melt over. However if you’re the idiot who barely shows attention to your girlfriend or significant other your in luck. It’s Valentines day…It’s pretty much the get out of jail free card for relationships. You can be the biggest fuck up in a relationship yet THEY still give us this one day a year to maybe put that glimmer back in their eye and forget all the stupid shit you have done…So in a nut shell I’m basically saying don’t fuck it up morons
With that said you can go into a CVS or Target or wherever right now and see a pack of guys huddled around the Valentines day cards trying to scavenge through the mess of cards that is left to find that perfect one. Those guys are fucked….For the other percentage of guys that is semi prepared here is a list of helpful hints to successfully survive your Valentines Day and hopefully not have to end your not sleeping alone or worse sleeping with a really pissed off girlfriend in the bed next to you. I don’t wish that upon anyone, it gets so awkward.
~DON’T be over creative, THEY like cute simple shit. The ones that do like creative shit don’t want to be on a scavenger hunt for 7 fucking hours.
~DO make chocolate covered strawberries, They’re fucking delicious and THEY love em and they are easy as hell to make. Its strawberries dipped in melted chocolate. If you cant figure that out then quit school and your job and become a DJ because you’re probably not getting laid tonight anyway.
~DON’T tell your girl your going to make dinner for her unless you know how to cook. Fucking up a Valentines Day dinner is the most painful thing to watch. She has to pretend like she likes it and you now have to pretend that’s how the recipe said it would come out. Then she picks up her phone and texts some kid Steve making fun of your food. If you can cook, then cook. If you cant don’t attempt you will look like a fool yet again.
~DO get her flowers. Girls love to compete with each other and Valentines day is like the Super Bowl for girls. Facebook is going to be blowing up all day with pictures of flowers and balloons that THEY got from us and if your bouquet is not the prettiest or biggest well lets just say your going be flopping on top of a dead fish tonight. Although if you somehow pull off the miracle of winning the flower bowl your in for a great night. Flowers bring out the freak its just science ladies so just nod your head and say your right Kris.
~DON’T set your bedroom up with candles and scents and shit. Some girls will think its cute but when a candle burns down and lights your room a blaze before the nasty even happens your going to be spending your romantic valentines day night kicking it in the living room with mom and dad watching re-runs of man vs food.
~DO make a reservation. Yet again another very painful thing to see is a couple waiting in line at the Olive Garden to try and get a seat. You make a reservation a couple days in advance you are golden. You are all set for food drinks and dessert in one location. However if you do not make that reservation be prepared to spend the night in the living room with mom and dad watching re-runs of man vs food. …romantic I know!
~Lastly…DON’T ask your date to be your girlfriend on Valentines Day and most certainly DON’T tell them you love them for the first time either on this day. It’s the most cliché thing ever and unless you have been seeing each other for a while and by while I mean years. Most likely as your saying that to her she is getting a text from some dude Steve who had his Valentines day with her the night before because he had to work tonight. You know when she told you she had to stay in because she really needed to study or get work done….yea girls have excellent game too guys, its not a big surprise.
That’s really all that comes off the top of my head that can help you fellas out on Valentines Day. Even though there is no reason for me to help you since 99% of your Valentines day ordeals will end in a sloppy mess. Shit half of you may even end the night single. To the single people out there stop crying in your hands for being lonely today. Go outside and look around Valentines Day is a great spectator sport and I’ll be sitting front row cheering on for disaster.
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