Being "officially" unemployed going to Job Interviews is a necessity in life in order to gain a new occupation and earn income. Which then leads to paying bills and enjoying finer things in life that cost money. However if you are a person that enjoys the process of the actual job interview....well then simply I don't trust you.
Lets start from the beginning....
In order to gain access to the stage of getting a job that is the interview you have to apply for a job. So you hit up websites online or your friends for some hook ups. God help you if you have to go to the Devils second greatest creation Craigslist to find a job. Its only second to your local DMV. But yes if you go to craigslist most likely your going to get phone calls back from a real attractive job ad that you saw for a desk job in a nice clean office which pays a great amount for just starting out...But really in craigslist language your giving all your information to a person that will most likely hunt you down, eventually find you, probably drop a pill into your drink and then drag your ass back to their two door 92 honda accord where they will violently shove you into the back seat, then male or female will rape your ass, steal your money and most likely a bodily organ or two and then leave you on a corner in Los Angeles for the homeless people to then have their way with you until you come to your senses and realize that this was the worst night you ever had...and you still won't have a job.
Then...after the handful of places you have applied too along with the date rape you may or may not encounter you get a call back! The call back itself is even a little awkward. On one end of the line is an assistant or secretary for the company in which you applied to. They dont know what you look like or what you sound like but they are ordered to call you to set up in the interview. As you answer the weird number you get a little excited to know someone is calling you for a job offer. Then the worst thing happens...Out of all the places you have applied to, you now cannot remember when or who this company even is and what the job is that you applied for. This leads to an awkward mexican standoff and the part of the ordeal I like to call "The Q Off". The Q off is the time during that phone call that each stranger on the end of the phone line answers each question with another question in order to try to get more information about the other without giving it away that either of you know absolutely nothing.
For Example: "When is a good time for you to come in for an interview?"
"Well, when's best for you?"
"Do you have a vehicle?"
"Well, where are you located" and etc...
Surprisingly this strategy leads to gathering a good junk of information about your interview your scheduling yourself for.even though its for pretty much a company you have no fucking clue even existed because one day you got inappropriately high off your ass and decided to apply to anything and everything you saw on a website that was filled with job openings of your interested career path. But who cares right you got the interview and it wasn't through craigslist so your feeling good.
The day of the interview comes and its getting down to the time for you to get ready. Now I don't consider this part of the process a problem for females. All they have to do is throw on a black bra a white button up shirt or a dress and hope you get some disgusting horny old guy as your interviewee and boom you got the job before any stupid, incompetent, pointless word comes out of your mouth. But however for males this is a make or break part of the interview and your not even in the office yet. The decision of what to wear to a job interview is most definitely a deal breaker. You show up looking to casual then your not serious enough. You show up wearing something to fancy then you look like a jackass for such a laid back job, or you just watch Step Brothers way to much. Either way its bullshit. I think the way you show up for a interview should be the clothes you are forced to wear everyday if you get the job. The assholes who wear shirt and ties to a job interview when your going to be a Production Asst. for a company that has you cleaning dishes or running to costco to get 55, 24 packs of water for the rest of the lazy crew. Have fun sweating like a whore in church with that one pal. If your interviewing to be a doctor you know what go ahead rock that shirt and tie. You interviewing to be a janitor though? You better come in to that interview wearing some dirty ass clothes to show your committed and a hard worker because 350lb Bob in human resources department loves taco tuesdays and it's almost lunchtime.
After you pick out your most superficial outfit that says nothing about your personality but makes you look like your going to a wake of someone you dont really care about, but your a friend of a friend so your paying your respects. You then head to the place in which the interview will be held. Whether its an office, restaurant, retail store you name it the next phase in the interview process will make you want to pull your hair out.
Your interview will be scheduled for 4:00 pm. Now you can ask anyone and the first thing they will say is to dress nicely, and then you should kick them in their privates. But then the next thing they will say after the pain subsides is to arrive to the interview early. This yes, is a great piece of advice because it shows that you are excited for the interview and the opportunity to work for the company and for them to give you money for the work you will eventually hate. However arriving early to people for a 4:00 interview is about 15 minutes. For real ass suckers its arriving 30 minutes early, but those people suck and most likely not reading this so I won't even begin to start on those people. Anyway make sure you have your phone or a magazine or something to keep your head on straight because you will not be getting interviewed for at least 20-29 minutes after your originally scheduled interview time. I say 20-29 because I mean c'mon these people don't want to look to un-professional to the person they are trying to hire right. I mean shit they call me in 30 minutes after my scheduled time you can expect me to take an hour and a half lunch break every day and then not flush the toilet after im done....and maybe spray a little pee on the seat of the unisex bathroom. That's really how you get em.
During this wait all you really know is a voice you heard on the phone. So every single time a person walks by you think they are coming to introduce them self to you. By the time the right person comes into the room you have already made creepy eye contact with at least 26 employees of this company who now immediately hate the creepy kid sitting in the lobby eye fucking everyone...but then it happens your called into the interview.
The interviewee comes and greats you with a big smile and the "its glad to meet you" shpeel. Then the silent judgement process begins. As you are walking to the room or office in which the actual conducted interview will take place They grill you head to toe, you grill them head to toe. In your head thinking those pants are way to tight or they shouldn't be wearing their hair like that or hey she has huge tits. You know normal things like that. This also is a make or break situation like I said for the ladies this is where you get the job or not. You get lucky and get the horny old man or any man in that case this is your time to shine. Show some leg and fling your hair maybe as your walking apply some lip balm sexually. I don't know what it is you actually do but that 7-11 second walk was your interview. As long as you dont have the voice of teddy ruxpin and an IQ of 3 and your hot....congratulations your hired. However if your ugly and c'mon we all know ugly girls know when they are ugly you may have to wow the guy with some spunk and a nice resume. But if all else fails blow him...and then congratulations.
Then the actual interview goes on which lasts for about 10 minutes or less, unless you get a real talker which in the case of an interview is the worst thing to ever happen. An interviewee who talks and talks can go on for an hour about how great the job is and how special everyone who works there is and how great of a team everyone makes and all that shit. Thats why you schedule your interviews 4pm and later and on fridays. By that time that crazy cheerleader spunk that the interviewee usually has is far from gone because all they can think about is most likely the 8 ball they are gonna snort to their face or the alcohol they will consume until blacking out and going home with a stranger. Therefore interview time will only take roughly ten minutes. You sit there smile and tell them what they want to hear. You use some big words and try and let your resume do most of the talking. Most likely your applying for a shit job so your fake resume wont really matter anyway. If all else Fails try to whip up some charm and flirt. Even if your really bad at it, they will think your either funny or hot and will want to hire you. This works for girls and guys. (write that down)
Then its time to say goodbye. Which is also a big step in the interview process. No matter how long you were talking to this person or what they told you or even what sexual favor you did during your interview. Remember this person is a stranger and a simple handshake is the proper good bye tool. There are no fist bumps or shake and pull in for a hug. There are no kisses on the cheek because if your doing that most likely you have cum residue in your mouth still. Just a nice firm handshake and a pleasure to meet you...then turn around and walk out.
The interview process is now over and you have successfully survived, so congratulations to that. However now you have to wait a couple days in order to let the company decide out of the prospects that were interviewed who was the better fit for the company. Most likely just because its a dog eat dog world you wont get a call saying you got the job. But its ok its not you completely just something little you may have did in the interview process that caused the interviewee to look another way. Whether that be not ironing your pants with creases down the center, or not giving a firm handshake, or simply just using to much teeth while you swallowed the pants sword. Either way you now have experience in order to try and nail your next interview.
Job interviews are a way of life. In order to be successful in life 98% of us will have to go through this awkward, annoying, ass sucking process. But now after reading this I hope that you have gotten a heads up of what to expect in your next job interview or maybe I simply just made the process a little more enjoyable for you. So at your next job interview while your sitting in the waiting room eye fucking your soon to be co-workers and you laugh a little.... your welcome!
